Ending a Toxic Relationship

Toxic relationships come in many forms. They can be found in families, friends, workplaces, even churches or social service organizations. Therefore, in this article I will be talking about you and “the other party,” so as to incorporate the different levels of relationships.

While there are only a few steps to getting free of a toxic relationship, they are not simple steps. Each step builds upon the other. They require honesty, self-evaluation and an honest assessment of the relationship. You will need to evaluate the relationship, make decisions based on the evaluation, and then act upon the decisions.

The first step is to honestly evaluate your relationship objectively. Rarely are these relationships all bad, usually we receive something good which keeps us hanging on.

Sit down with pen and paper. On your paper draw a line down the middle. On one side list the gains or positives of the relationship. This list will include anything positive you receive from the relationship. Maybe you split bills, or receive a paycheck (in a work relationship), or in some other way get financial help from this relationship. Is there a sense of protection because someone is taking care of you? If you hate living alone, just having another person in the house may be a positive for you. In a marriage having a second parent to help with child rearing can be a tremendous comfort. Include any emotional support you may receive from the other party’s family (such as a mother-in-law, your boyfriend’s sisters), particularly if you think it may be taken away if you end the relationship. What does this relationship allow you to avoid? Staying in a job situation may keep you from having to revamp your resume and go through the interviewing process. Staying with your boyfriend allows you to avoid the dating scene.

On the other side, list the losses or what the relationship takes out of you. Do you feel stressed out more often than not? Maybe you don’t feel heard by the other party. You might be frequently doing errands or extra favors that you feel are not being recipricated. Maybe you work more hours than expected. Does this relationship cause hardship in other significant relationships in your life? Maybe a girlfriend wants so much time you can’t do your job properly. Maybe your job is so stressful you can’t devote enough undivided time to a spouse.

Keep your list for a week. Keep adding to it as you become aware of more gains and losses from this relationship. As you add to the list, do not take time to evaluate what you are adding, that will come later. For right now just add things as they come to mind. More importantly, add the things that come to your gut. For example, you feel taken advantage of because the other party demands more time from you than you want to give. Write that down as a loss before you start rationalizing it and making excuses for the other party’s expectations. Remember, putting things in perspective comes later. This is a brainstorming session.

While evaluating the situation, don’t forget to look at yourself. Is your life where you would like it to be? If not, what do you wish was different? Close your eyes and imagine your life exactly as you want it. Who is with you? What type of relationships do you have? How do you feel: calm, excited, happy, at peace? In this vision, are you surrounded by people who care and really listen to what you are saying? Spend some time imaging this. Come back to the present. Is your imaginary world anything like what you imagined? If there are significant differences, do you see your life as moving toward or away from your vision? Is this potentially toxic relationship supporting you as you move towards your vision? Or is this relationship holding you back?

Now it is time to start making decisions. First and foremost, it is crucial that you have someone you can talk to. When you are in a relationship that you want to hold onto in spite of how difficult or potentially toxic it is you cannot make good decisions alone. Find a friend, family member, or professional who is not directly involved in the relationship. Choose someone whose opinions you trust. It is best if you pick someone you admire, someone who you wouldn’t mind emulating. Ask if you can use them as a bouncing board. Share your gains and losses list, and your vision for your future. Ask them if they see you on the path to where you want to be, or if you on a path leading away. Listen to what they are saying to you, even if it is not what you want to hear. Remember, you picked this person because you trusted them and like where their life is headed.

It is important to realize that it takes two in order to have a toxic relationship. If just one person makes healthy changes, the relationship becomes healthier. This is true even if the other party stays the same, or even gets worse. A healthy relationship is not absolutely dependent on two healthy partners, just one.

Sometimes one party setting boundaries can save a relationship. Deciding what you can and will do is the first step. Far too often the tendency is to try to control the other party so they will conform to your expectations. You cannot control another party; you can only control yourself. Start by deciding what are the non-negotiable issues for you in the relationship and where appropriate share your thoughts, feelings, wants and needs. Once your expectations have been communicated, it is time to set boundaries. For instance, if the other party frequently asks you to do things which you are uncomfortable doing, and when you say no, they turn up the heat by ranting, arguing, threatening, or some other technique, you must first accept that you cannot stop their behavior. You can decide that you will not listen. You can leave the room. You can hang up the phone.

This does not mean that every relationship can or should be saved. Sometimes the effort needed to maintain a relationship by setting boundaries is more trouble than it is worth. It may be time to move on. Talk to your trusted helper to make these decisions.

Once you have made your decision, it is time to act. Make sure to maintain the support of others. Making changes in, or ending a toxic relationship is hard work. You need the support. Celebrate each step: from just making the decision to setting a boundary to ending a relationship. Keep your eyes one the vision you have for your future, and keep moving in that direction.

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The Foundation Of A Healthy Relationship/Marriage – 10 Fundamental Tips

In this time it becomes necessary to address issues affecting relationships. There is a high rate of divorce and relationship uncertainty. The home as the back bone of any society has been neglected over the years, the major stabilizers for this institution are the women folks, and how have they prioritized the home. What are their values, what is their ultimate goal? Most women place their priority on career, personal ambitions and others. Marriage is the least of their priority. This is one of the reasons why there is inadequate preparation before marriage. This explains why there is increase in divorce and failed relationships. Here we look at the foundation of a healthy relationship.

This article is meant for serious minded people not people who go into relationship for fun, such people hop in and out of relationships degrading the sanctity of relationship and undermining the values of what relationship should be; thy abuse it and lead many sincere innocent women and men into emotional despair and frustration.

Here I’m talking to people who intend to build a home. Not fakes, not pretenders, not use and dump. They are reasons why relationships fail one of it is lack of preparation. Marriage is the only institution that you have admission without writing exams or given a test, even when they do, they do not practice what there were taught. This has also affected many marriages and home in general. Certain principles have been ignored, we are in a world where men search for women to get married but can’t find, most men talk of “marriage material” what does this imply? On the other hand, most women will not get into marriage with any kind of person, they don’t get into marriage for the sake of it; they seek for marriage with dignity and self respect. Women seem not to prioritize marriage in the early age of their life, but it becomes a thing of almost importance in their later years of their life.

It’s time to change such mentality, being married does not change your ideology, rather early planning gives you ample opportunities to make the right choice, “one who will share in your dreams and aspiration”.

Every relationship has its own rules and policy, unfortunately that of marriage has been undermined; basically there are certain things you need to know before venturing into any relationship. It is necessary that you get prepared

1. Are you prepared for any relationship?

Most people go into a relationship for the fun of it or felt somehow they need a date. Going into a relationship without having clear reasons, or for selfish motive does not define your person. The attitude you portray today goes a long way to shape your future. If you are not prepared for any relationship, do not get into it no matter the circumstances, for young girls don’t ever think of “boyfriend/girlfriend issues” there are the things that may eventually destroy you, I always advice young ladies that the best age for marriage is 21 to 25. However, for whichever reason you choose to delay, preparation is the foundation for any successful relationship. Are you ready? How satisfied are you in such circumstance? You just have to be yourself; it must not be based on what someone said, or pressure from the opposite sex or any other. When you compromise against your wish, you bare the pains alone when the ill wind of relationship start blowing on you, no matter how people may seem to comfort you, you bare the pains alone. As a young lady work with age limit, dating should not exceed two years. which means you should only consider men who are ready for marriage,it may sound strange, study shows that people who date for more than two years have 70% chances that they might likely break up, it also lead to unwanted pregnancy and having children out of wedlock. Love is not just emotions it is also the ability to choose what you want, when you allow love to over shadow your ability and character you lost the ability to think right and make good decisions, you become blind. When love becomes blind, you know what that means. A blind man has no direction and can only be led by someone who sees. Preparation enables you to avoid bit falls.

2. Choose the right person

This is one of the most difficult aspects when it comes to relationships. The truth is you only know who a person is in times of adversity. Human are complex in nature, in relationships it’s not really about perfection but the ability to accommodate someone, accepting someone’s short coming the way it is, this is because you have two different people from different backgrounds. These are the factors you have to consider, because the person you think is an angel can turn up to be what you never imagined.

No matter how complex it may be “you know what you want” no matter the nature of things and the circumstance you may find yourself in, there are factors that may lead you to achieve good result. There are patience, watching and prayers. When you rush into a relationship you might likely rush out or live in pain; I have always advised that you wait a while. At this time friendship becomes necessary, but not too close, it all allows you the privilege of knowing new things and making new discovery.

3. Are you compatible?

No matter the emotions and pressure, be yourself; never say “yes” until you have “sorted out things” the only way to know how compatible you are is to become friends. What do you really want? What are your dreams, are you comfortable with his job, his way of life?

Be sure about your compatibleness, is not right to build up hopes, is really frustrating when you start regretting why you accepted such relationship. When you are not compatible you may likely have relationships problem which may lead to break up, when you start getting along having discussions it enables you both to know each other, then you will be able to know if you can live together.

4. Your reasons

Your motives, your thoughts and your overall reason will determine how healthy your relationship will be. This area is very important, when you fail to sort this out you might end up having heart breaks, you may not have confident in yourselves. Are you going into a relationship for beauty, wealth? Whichever reasons; what happens when what you hoped for fails you? To be on safe quad it should be for one reason “love” do you love him? Does he love you?

Material things are sometimes temporal when they fail that might be the end of such relationship. When you look at material things chance are that you might likely meat “fakes” deceivers, those who pretend to be what they are not. In the end they become your worst enemies. When you define what you want and be patient enough, you will know who they are. Your reasons should be genuine. In as much as you need a responsible man, love is the principal thing.

5. Is love involved?

In that regard you take more time and access yourself if your affection is based on love. The worst relationship is that without love. If you do not have true love, don’t venture into any relationship. Love is the foundation: the holy bible says; love covers transgressions, therefore in times of adversities true love keeps two people together. The person you are interested to; does he love you? What are his motives? When you give him sometime it will go a long way to show who he really is.

6. Be open

Openness in any relationship breeds trust. You must have to be truthful to yourselves. If you want peace, develop self confidence in yourself, first expression matters a lot, do not try to please anybody, keep no secret. Be yourself, it is better to break up early than to mess up yourself.

The beauty of any relationship is trust. Trust has its own foundation, trust and love work hand in hand. There are the things that make a relationship healthy; not trusting someone is also the foundation of problems in any relationship. If you can’t trust, you can’t keep a relationship, any relationship without trust is full of problems you can never be in peace in such relationship if you want peace trust, be sincere.

7. Know your values

Is very common these days that people go into a relationship without putting into consideration what defines them. When you define what your values are; you come to terms.

Self esteem is very important it produces your worth. How does your friend regard you? The way and manner you present yourself to someone will determine how much regard he has for you. When you make yourself so cheap you give room to undue attractions for anyone to hop in and out your life. Dress yourself to be yourself. Women of great value do not dress for attraction; they dress for dignity and self esteem. When you ignore the basics and allow certain things to influence your character, at the end you force yourself for marriage. You must also understand the different between lust and love as a lady, you must have principles that guide you when you are in a relationship, and you come together and define your values. Understanding who you are as a people will go a long way to eliminate gender inequality in a relationship. When you know your values you protect it.

8. Be quick to solve problems

In section seven we talked about values. Protecting your values is one of the basics to problem solving in any relationship, values produces respect defines boundaries and limits.

No matter the gravity of the issues involved, you must understand your limits. Every relationship has its own problem. The way it is approached and handled is what matters; when two people are together they must put certain things into consideration when ever problem arises. You must understand that there is no problem that worth destroying your relationship/marriage, admit your faults, be quick to say am sorry, be quick to solve problems, avoid third party in your relationship. (The only third party is God) don’t throw blames handle issues with humility, pride comes before destruction. When you are angry work away for a while, when your partner refuses to see reasons accept the blame, it takes nothing from you. But in good times advice he/she on the matter, it builds relationship. The issues of misunderstanding and pride should be looked at during courtship. Pride is what destroys any relationship, what you cannot deal with during courtship; you can’t handle it in marriage. When you discover an attitude you cannot cope with is better you quit. Never go into a relationship to change anyone.

9. Take responsibilities

You must show yourself to be responsible enough; a well coordinated organized relationship has less troubles. You must be responsible.

As a lady learn to fulfill your primary responsibilities, both partners must understand their goals this will enable the ideal partner to compliment you and support you to fulfill your dreams. Taking responsibilities will help you drive your goals together, it helps strengthen growth and corporation, when this is in existence you see yourself as partners working together to achieve a particular objectives – you see yourselves working for the good of each other and the future.

As a lady, it is good that you work to also complement your man. But if the man felt is not necessary,” you let it be”

As far as he is capable of taking care of the family, this is acceptable to avoid problems; you have many other ways of contributing to the well being of the home. Private business is acceptable at this time.

10. Spend time together

Spending time together is one of the finest ingredients that spice up a relationship; any relationship that couples do not spend time together is incomplete.

In a relationship one thing complements the other. Spending time together creates oneness, intimacy and increases love and affections, no matter how your job schedule may be create time to stay together. It also helps in reducing depression build confident and trust.

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